Musicanmusican

Rejected Submissions to Grove's Dictionary

Battle of the Bands

The Japanese Imperial Army used ‘war tubas’ to conquer Manchuria in 1931.

Music has been an important weapon of war ever since ‘Joshua fit de battle ob Jerico’, deploying his trumpeters to make ‘de walls come tumblin’ down’. (Imagine an Old Testament brass band on tour and you get an idea of the mayhem caused.)

In the 18th and 19th centuries the British Army subjugated huge swathes of the world’s population with the offensive use of bagpipes and more recently US forces ousted General Noriega, Panama’s pineapple faced president, from power by blasting him with non-stop rock music for 10 days in 1989. 

Common bio-effects of acoustic warfare include breathing difficulties, vertigo, nausea and damage to the central nervous system. For this reason the United Nations Disarmament Commission recently drafted an accord to limit the use of sound above 184db and forbid the military use of the Celine Dion’s back catalogue.

PERFECT BITCH

Further proof, if any is needed (see His Master’s Voice), that dogs are the most musically talented of all non-human creatures is provided by experiments conducted at Battersea Dogs’ Home, London. 

Research into the aural capacities of canines, prompted by the well known ability of wolves to recognise the individual vocalisations of their pack mates, was carried out by Dr Jana du Litöl who said, ‘Until now, very little has been known about the listening skills of dogs whereas it was many years ago that we discovered their closest cousins, wolves posess perfect pitch - a theory proved by the fact that you’ll never see one playing the bassoon.’

Dr du Litöl’s team of anthro-psychologists first taught Siencyn, a three-year golden retriever from Cardiff, to recognise notes blown on an ocarina.  He was then trained to play these back on a specially constructed electric piano called the ‘Caninova’.  Finally, after a year (7 dog years) of training, Siencyn was told to ‘come’, ‘wait’ and ‘sit’ an Associated Board grade 8 aural test which included questions on cadences, time signatures and modulations.  His answers astonished the team which put his performance on a par with that of the average ‘A’ level student. (What makes the dog’s feat all the more remarkable is that fact that the he had to learn German before he could understand a word of his instructor’s commands.)

The research team has been so pleased with their findings that they have continued to give the retriever weekly piano lessons - he apparently has a preference for baroque repertoire and his favourite composer is Telemann.  Dr du Litöl believes that Siencyn is yet to reach his musical potential, remarking, ‘His ability to express his innate musicality is only restricted by his physical limitations. (He can’t quite reach a second).  Although the works of Liszt and Rachmaninov may be beyond him, his playing of Einaudi is indistinguishable from that of the composer himself.’

This may be just the beginning for Siencyn as his name has now reached the attention of entertainment moguls and record bosses. Rumours circulate about possible CD contracts and concert tours and the bookmakers, Ladbrokes are currently offering odds of 5/2 on him winning next year’s Britain’s Got Talent.

Night of the Long Knives at the ‘Home of the World’s Greatest Music’

Taxi for Mr Mellor!  The former Chelsea kit wearing ‘Minister for Fun’ gets his P45 despite possessing a face for radio.

Classic FM celebrates 20 years at the vanguard of broadcasting this September but, if sources are to be believed, not everyone at its Leicester Square studios will be cracking open the champagne.  I have it on good authority that a major relaunch is due to take place in the Autumn causing a number of high profile heads to roll.

Managing Director, Darren Henley-Review dismisses talk of a cultural revolution at the station saying, “Classic FM has constantly evolved to produce an ever changing and hugely varied array of shows.  A few very minor tweaks do not mean that we will be throwing out the baby with the bathwater and our loyal fanbase of middle aged, Daily Mail readers can rest assured that we will continue to produce programming perfectly suited to the ambience of small independent bookshops, dentists’ waiting rooms and suburban dinner parties.”

Despite Mr Henley-Regatta’s calming words, one long serving presenter remains concerned about her future.  ‘JJ’ (not her real name, which is Jane Jones) gave me details of the planned sackings, discovered in a leaked email:

  • Out goes The Classic FM Hall of Fame Hour with John Suchet and in comes Mark Austin’s 15 Minutes of Fame (& 45 Minutes of Adverts).
  • TV gardener, journalist, broadcaster and writer, Monty Don replaces TV gardener, journalist, broadcaster and writer, Alan Titchmarsh who moves to Covent Garden to direct the ROH’s new Ring cycle.
  • Hardcore gorgeous Gok Wan is being brought in to­ work a bit of ‘Gok magic’ on the Sunday night schedule, replacing Mylene Klass who leaves to spend more time with her family. 
  • Ex-Blur bassist, Alex James is leaving to spend more time with his cheese and his show will be presented by daytime television’s leading antiques expert.  Classic FM expect a real ‘bobby-dazzler’ of a show from David ‘The Duke’ Dickinson. 
  • Jeremy ‘The Count’ Hunt will replace David Mellor on The New CD Show.  The (soon to be ex) Culture Minister has overcome strong competition to succeed Mellor in the Saturday evening ‘disgraced Tory cabinet minister’ slot.

Top Trumpeters available now from all good music shops

Top Trumpeters available now from all good music shops

Gift Ideas for a Music Teacher

By Casandra Hyde-White, eHow Contributor

With the summer hols fast approaching, it’s time to show your child’s music teacher exactly what you think of her with a well chosen gift and card.  Here are a few suggestions:

NOVELTY
Music teachers can’t get enough of those adorable musical knick-knacks that you find in small music shops (the kind of place that sells more greeting cards than scores). Favourites include piano keyboard neck ties, ‘Chopin Liszt’ notepads, treble clef earrings and tea towels bearing the legend, “Sometimes B sharp, Never B flat, Always B natural!”

BOOK
Music history books may sound dull to some, but all music tutors will appreciate a gift like Classical Music for Dummies or Katie Derham’s The Great Composers and will probably learn a lot from it. 

CD
A CD is always welcomed by a music teacher.  To avoid any chance of buying a disk that she’s already got I always choose the most up to date Classic FM Hall of Fame CD box set available.

GIFT BASKET
A small, personalized gift basket is always well-received and provides the perfect opportunity for you to re-gift unwanted Christmas and birthday presents.  If carefully presented, a selection of lily of the valley talcum powder, Veet hair removal cream and the designer fragrance from your mother in law that caused you to break out in hives, will really light up the face of your daughter’s flute teacher.

GREETINGS CARD
Include a thoughtful and sincere thank-you card that tells the teacher how much you appreciate her efforts for your child.  We like to add our own message like, “Thank you for the music, the songs I’m playing.  Thanks for all the joy they’re bringing. (Sorry not to have paid this term’s fees - I’ve run out of cheques.  Sophie will bring this to her first lesson in September.)”

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How Low Can You Go?

Following its worldwide ‘Bass Hunter’ search, Universal Music has discovered what may be the lowest human singing voice in existence. Tim Storms has been chosen from some 400 applicants to sing on composer Paul Mealor’s new Russian orthodox setting of De  Mea  Fundum  for Decca Records album, ‘Kick back and relax’. The work requires a low E, over two octaves below middle C and although several auditioning singers were able to reach the note, for Storms the E was effortless, as he is able to sing a full octave lower.

The E is six notes below the lowest note ever written for a choral work (in Rachmaninov’s Vespers) and a tone lower than the Guinness World Record - a sonorous low F# sung by Barry White following a monumental night on the piss in 1993. (White replaced Paul Robeson as record holder after experts discovered that Robeson’s 78rpm recording of Ol’ Man River was being played on a gramophone that had not been fully wound.)

Industry insiders predict a bright future for Tim Storms who, along with hundreds of other hopefuls, auditioned by submitting demo recordings to website howlowwillyougo.com which were then judged by the actor, Vin Diesel and Brad Roberts of the Crash Test Dummies. Storms plans to perform all the major basso profundo operatic roles before following in the footsteps of his idol, Don LaFontaine, by moving to Hollywood to work as a film trailer voice over artist. When LaFontaine, who voiced the promotional clips of over 3,000 films, each beginning ‘In a World where ….’, was asked ‘how low can you go?’ he replied, ‘I once f****d a dwarf’.

1st draft of ‘Dry Bones’ (c. 1835) recently acquired by the Library of Congress.

1st draft of ‘Dry Bones’ (c. 1835) recently acquired by the Library of Congress.

Google recently commemorated synthesizer pioneer, Bob Moog’s 78th birthday with this great doodle. *pronounced “Mogue Gogal Dodal”(as any electronic music geek will tell you).

Google recently commemorated synthesizer pioneer,
Bob Moog’s 78th birthday with this great doodle.

*pronounced “Mogue Gogal Dodal”
(as any electronic music geek will tell you).

Don’t forget your wellies.

Don’t forget your wellies.

Turning the Page of Music History

As part of a postgraduate research project, students at Taipei University have developed the first mechanical page turning device to be controlled by thought alone.  Industry insiders believe that this new technology will have a host of ‘leisure’ applications, allowing, as it does, the user to continue reading whilst his hands are otherwise engaged. 

A number of piano manufacturers have expressed an interest in the new gadget and, following trials at London’s Wigmore Hall, Bechstein has announced that from September it will bundle the brain-score interface hardware with its L1 model grands.

Lang Lang wasn’t at home when I phoned so instead I got a quote from the doyen of piano teachers, Fanny Watermelon.  She said, “This invention is a boon for the busy concert pianist.  No longer will they be at the mercy of psychopathic assistants, like in that film with Déborah François………… I’m 92, you know.”

(Pianist Magazine, June 2012)

Q. Who’s the Daddy (of the Symphony)?


A. Franz Joseph “Papa” Haydn

As well as being the “Father of the String Quartet”, Haydn is also known as the “Father of the Symphony”.  He wrote so many symphonies that he had to give them nicknames just to keep track of them.  Some, like Oxford (#92) were named after towns, the symphonies Echo (#38) and Mercury (#43) after newspapers, while others, such as La Reine (#85) got their names from pizzas.

Useful 18th Century Music Trivia:
By virtue of being Joseph’s brother, Michael Haydn is considered the “uncle of the symphony”.

Haydn Family Tree [from HC Robbins Landon, The Symphonies of Joseph Haydn (1955).]

Second-hand bargain of the week:A ‘slightly foxed’ 1st edition of The New Penguin Dictionary of Music for 5p.

Second-hand bargain of the week:
A ‘slightly foxed’ 1st edition of The New Penguin Dictionary of Music for 5p.

David Garrett to Make Big Screen Debut

Filming of a new blockbuster movie based on the life and loves of the virtuoso violinist and composer, Niccolò Paganini is set to begin this summer. The film, which will be shot on location in Vienna, features the German-American wunderkind violinist and sometime male model, David Garrett in his first acting role. The producers are keen to stress the suitability of their lead actor, saying that “Garrett and Paganini have in common a rock star like status, a supreme technique and an adoring fan base of knicker-throwing middle aged women”.  (Interestingly they fail to mention whether David Garrett also shares his predecessor’s penchant for gambling, opium and pacts with the Devil.)  The movie will be written and directed by Bernard Rose, who made the Beethoven biopics, Beethoven (1992) and Beethoven’s Big Break (2008).  This new Paganini film follows an established Hollywood tradition as biographical portrayals of famous composers have long been a staple of major studios. Past hits include Amadeus, The Curious Case of Benjamin Britten, Get (Elliott) Carter! and Who’s Afraid of Hugo Wolf?

Latest release from the World’s most performed living composer.

Latest release from the World’s most performed living composer.